I would sit Mother Theresa next to Bill Gates so that she could tell him how to spend his money. She would also tell him what really happens to donor money in poor countries. And he would listen, because she’s Mother freaking Theresa.

I would sit Shaquille O’Neal next to Dave Chappelle, because they would tell so many jokes and feed off each other so well that it would be criminal not to. Just imagine it!

I would sit Tina Fey and Colin Cowherd next to each other, but not because I think they would get along. No, I bet they wouldn’t like each other at all, and their politics would likely collide. But they each like to argue, like to debate. They both use their brains and have found success entertaining the masses with intelligence, and they definitely believe in themselves and what they do. That and they’re both rich, and I think they could find common ground in that. They’d love it.

I would sit Ben Harper next to Badshah Kahn. Ben may never have even heard of Kahn, a Muslim leader who joined Ghandi in a revolutionary movement that united Pathans, an ethnic group who lived by a fierce code of honor, in nonviolence to force the British from India. Ben would listen and write a song about it. Then I would ask him to take his guitar and sing bedtime lullabies to Nora. She loves The Itsy Bitsy Spider.

Last but not least, I would sit Joan Rivers next to Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer is so pretty, and maybe, just maybe, after a few drinks she would tell Joan what really happened with her and Brad. Joan would make her laugh, make us all laugh, and maybe even annoy us all in the process. But she’s so clever, she’s been around, so she is sure to have stories that would make everyone, perhaps even Mother Theresa, laugh.

I can’t help but notice some very serious anger behind a cohort of those who oppose the idea that two people of the same sex can commit to being lifelong partners. Posters get torn, bulletin boards defaced and call after call made.

I also hear true stories from men and women who are the targets of that anger. What strikes me is that before June 12, 1967, before the Supreme Court’s ruling to make interracial marriage legal, I could have been a target of that anger. And still, according to some, my daughter is an abomination, someone to feel sorry for, and the love I have for my husband and family isn’t sanctioned by God, isn’t natural. Well I just don’t think it’s right. Sound familiar?

What worries me is that the anger can turn ugly. Unjustifiably justified.

I wonder what it will be like when Nora is older and she reflects on why people tried so hard to keep other people from loving each other. And why they were so angry about it. Perhaps she’ll read the Sports Illustrated writer, Phil Taylor, or learn about the conservative marine who so believed in his brother’s right to get married he took out a full page ad in his local paper.

I wonder what she’ll think. Because most of the time, I’m left wondering.

Nora did the exact same thing every single time. She stood behind the door, partially hidden, and waited for us to count to 10. At 10, she burst from behind the door, screaming and laughing.

“Now Nora, stay in your hiding place and don’t come out until we find you.”

“Okay.”

“1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Ready or not, here we come.”

“Raaaaargh! Ha ha ha ha ha.”

When Nora is 16 (or maybe 11?) and doesn’t want anything to do with me, I’ll remember when we played hide and seek. And I’ll smile.

I personally know about 20 women who have experienced one or more of the following acts at the hands of at least one man in their lives: being slapped, punched, threatened, kicked, hair-pulled, shoved down stairs, shot, gun pointed at their head, raped, sexually assaulted, choked, killed. And while some of these women are no longer with the men who did these things to them, others remain.

I recently discovered an interesting NY Times blog post about Donna Ferrato, a photographer who has documented the lives of domestic violence victims for more than 30 years (that’s a screen shot of one of her photos at the top – click on it to visit her website). That’s a long time to have close encounters with the worst kind of love there is.

But not as long as it must feel for any person on the receiving side of it, especially when it feels like there’s just no hope for getting it to stop.

After all, who will listen? Just ask the 23-year-old daughter of William Adams, a Texas family law judge who was recently exposed on Youtube beating and berating her with a belt, a very big one, when she was 16. It took her 7 years to feel like she could tell.

And even if someone listens, will they do anything? Just ask Penn State.

The ladies (and children) in my life can all agree we’d like these kinds of things to stop. But here’s the thing. We need you guys, the good guys, to help.

We know you want it to stop, too.

Until the good guys tell these other men to stop, they won’t.

Until the good guys hold these other men accountable for behaving badly, they won’t have a reason to stop.

Clearly, they are not listening to us.

Here’s how to enjoy your own experience on what Segway calls, “the world’s first self-balancing human transporter.”

Find your sweet spot: There’s this point during acceleration where the handlebars push into your belly and you feel like you might fall backwards. You won’t. As long as you stay balanced, it’s actually the perfect position to cruise without any effort whatsoever.

Embrace Ned Flanders: Our tour guide was corny. Really, really corny. But his corniness reminded me that life is actually a lot more enjoyable when not taken so seriously. Riding a Segway down High Street in a single-file line behind a guide wearing a bright yellow vest and carrying a stop/slow sign is actually pretty fun.

Be mindful: You wouldn’t think riding a Segway could incite mindfulness, but it does a pretty good job of getting you out of your head and tuned into your surroundings. I’ve never stood and examined the architecture of LeVeque Tower or paid that much attention to downtown Columbus.

Get local: I learned a thing or two about the history of Columbus and the influential people who built the city. Do you know the history of Goodale Park or the meaning of the word Spizzerinctum?

I think it’s worth a couple of hours and a few bucks to go eco on some local tourism. You just might enjoy it.

Dear Alexandra Wills,

Thank you for informing us about your recent experience at CVSphoto.com. We deeply regret that you were dissatisfied with our web site and that you felt that it did not meet your needs or expectations. At CVS, we’re always interested in hearing about how we can serve you better, and your feedback is an important part of our ongoing efforts to improve our site. We have forwarded your comments to the appropriate personnel for consideration. If you have any further questions or require additional assistance, please contact us by email at customercare@cvs.com or by phone at (888) 607-4287. Thank you for visiting CVS.com.

From: Alexandra Wills

Sent: Sunday, October 02, 2011 8:48 PM

To: CustomerCare

Subject: PHOTO UPLOAD

Really. You should tell your digital architects. Your online photo upload is really, really bad. Really. Bad. Kodak kind of kicks your ass. Do me a favor and shoot this up the chain. As a customer, I’d like to see this change. I would have ordered from you TONIGHT had your photo upload been better.

Thanks!

Want to know how to fall in love? It’s easy.

1. Let them choose you. I haven’t fallen in love with a lot of cities I have visited (ahem, Philly), so generally, I reciprocate the love cities show me through their walkable and eclectic landscapes. There’s nothing like walking through a city and experiencing a whole new culture in each neighborhood.

2. Go gastro. They say the easiest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Apparently mine, too. Toronto represents virtually every country in the world and boasts more than 100 languages and dialects. So I suppose it wouldn’t be a stretch to say you can find any kind of food you want here. And really, if the breakfast buffet includes salami, cheese and croissants, I know I’ve found a match.

3. The world is flat. Or at least the shoes. Wearing heels just doesn’t work in a city where people walk, walk, walk. For someone who relegates heel-wearing to two-hour episodes at weddings and funerals, it’s a dream come true to see people going to the office in jeans and street shoes.

4. Le Chateau. Yes, I know it’s a chain. I’m not too good for chains, but I long ago decided the Macy’s brand falls apart the moment I walk into the store. And I’m a grown woman, so I don’t shop at Forever XXI. If only I were 5 inches taller and 10 pounds lighter, I could wear Le Chateau’s clothes.

5. Get to know your taxi drivers. I make it a habit to talk to the men and women who drive me in their taxis. Why? Because they have the most interesting stories to tell. Even the angry guy from Bangladesh.

6. Flexi-bar. Going to new and different places usually gives you the opportunity to try things you just can’t do at home. I’d never even heard of Flexi-bar training, let alone tried it. European Claudia, with her ripped lats and humungously toned hamstrings, coached our group through 45 minutes of vibration training. It was awesome. Really, you’ve got to watch the video, because I simply can’t explain it. Forget body pump. Flexi-bar is way more fun.

Roadtrip, roadtrip, roadtrip. Why is it the hours leading up to vacation feel frantic, stressful and chaotic and the moment of return feels utterly fantastic? Why do we convince ourselves french fries and cheesecake don’t count on vacation? And why, why is getting away with the people we love and spending days together in the car bring us incredible happiness?

Bleep ABC Home Warranty. When the A/C goes out during the dog days of summer, fuggedaboutit. Thanks to the great customer care of our awesome home warranty company, we forced our family and friends into Summer Sauna 2011 for Nora’s second birthday. Next year, Bexley pool it is!

As summer winds down I look forward to pumpkin and apple picking, Halloween costumes (look for Top Flight security or the Fresh Beat Band gone wild) and the upcoming holiday season.

Oh yeah.

10. Curious George is never held accountable for anything, and his snafoos and accidents always turn out remarkably well.

9. The Man with the Yellow Hat has both a city flat AND a country home.

8. George and the Man have a perfectly diverse set of friends.

7. The Man doesn’t seem to have a regular job but he is always working on new and interesting projects that he gets quite randomly.

6. It’s perfectly normal that everyone in the city and in the country only has one outfit.

5. George gets to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants to do it.

4. They have vending machines that provide fresh fruit.

3. George and the Man get to meet famous scientists and see rare animals all the time.

2. A doorman with a giant electric train fetish is not a weirdo.

1. George can cook, clean and carry things. And he’s not gross. I wish I had a monkey who could do those things.

1. I cook, prepare or otherwise involve myself in the meals of a family several times a day, most every day of the week. And I clean it all up. If I am getting my food out, I prefer sitting down and having someone wait on me. Hand and foot.

2. A lot of people follow local food truck movements on Twitter or local blogs to find out where the best local fare is that day and coordinate. Really? Like I need one more thing to coordinate.

3. When I think about the fact that food trucks just give us dozens more local options to get fatter and fatter, I want to hit the treadmill.

4. It’s 95 degrees today. I prefer to eat inside.